I woke up in a foul mood this morning.
I tried to force a cry by putting on a Taylor Swift But For Crying playlist.
I tried to distract myself by getting some work done so that I could have brunch with my bestie and a walk with another friend later without it hanging over my head.
But this is work I should have done before break, and I was beating myself up for that and just wishing I were done, berating myself for not being able to succinctly describe the biological basis of hallucinations and why they are (or aren’t, idk, I haven’t gotten to that part of the article yet) key to the psychedelic experience.
As I tried to write, the vise around my head screwed in tighter and tighter. I’ve gotten better at figuring out the emotional component of my headaches.
It’s usually due to a combo of stress, unexpressed emotions, and physical tightness.
Speaking of unexpressed emotions! Just after typing those words, my playlist shuffled to Soon You’ll Get Better, followed by Marjorie, two grief-y Taylor Swift songs.
After having been to the very depths of depression and back, I’m always desperate to prove that I’m ok now. To whom am I proving this? I’m not sure. To you, dear readers and randos following me on the internet? To the people in my life who worry about me? To myself?
Just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy though.
I genuinely enjoyed a lot of my Christmas trip home, forced myself to enjoy some of it, but definitely forced down a lot of grief—about my mom, of course, anticipatory grief about my dad, and the grief of not living closer to family. The grief of another year single with no child.
(To be clear, I have no plans on moving back to the east coast any time soon, sorry Aunt Gerry, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard to be far from family sometimes and just be a visitor when I go home.)
Grief experts would tell you to put aside time to let yourself feel your grief (and I would clearly tell clients this and not take my own advice!), but I had a really hard time doing this at home.
When you’ve felt so low, feeling OK or even good can be kind of scary for a fear that you’re always just at the top of the rollercoaster about to plummet down. Especially at the “scene of the crime.”
So this morning, all of that was squeezing down on my head, I took it as a sign that I needed to take care of myself. As much as I’d tell someone to let their loved ones know that they’re struggling…it’s hard! But I texted my bestie and told her I was having a little pity party and didn’t want to get out of bed and she respected my wishes.
I knew I’d feel better if we went out to brunch but also part of me didn’t want to feel better? I so often look externally to feel better…
…but everything I need is inside of me.
The work could wait and so could my messy apartment. (My jaw re-clenches as I type this because this is way too hard for me to accept.)
I put my heating pad around my shoulders-as-earrings and the Nod Pod I got for Christmas (it’s described as a weighted blanket for your eyes and it’s amazing) over my eyes and burrowed myself in my covers for a while, tempted to also cancel on my other friend but knowing I’d just feel worse if I allowed myself that much wallowing.
A little nap felt really good and exactly what I needed and I woke up feeling antsy to do something—to do my work or to clean my apartment. I started cleaning my apartment and realized that wasn’t what I needed. I needed to move, but gently and intuitively.
I rolled out my yoga mat and started moving, feeling a need to shift some stuck energy in my body. I’ve taken a shit ton of yoga and also have a dusty old yoga teacher training certification, so I know what feels good for me and which poses are good for certain things.
From my physical tightness in my shoulders and my gloomy feelings, I knew I needed lots of heart openers today and to do my fave poses. At first I started with a goal of must! feel! better! Must finish feeling all loosey goosey and calm!
You know, the anti yoga.
Some of the poses that felt really good for me today and the rough order I did them. (Note: this isn’t the full sequence I did, but sun salutations and vinyasas are good ways to break things up/transition. Also, I don’t have it in me to link to or explain any poses but google is your friend.)
Supported fish with blocks (when I went to look for this link, it’s an awesome deal—$15 for blocks AND strap!)
Supine twist
Child’s pose, including stretching arms all the way to the left, then all the way to the right)
Puppy pose (I looked to Lucy for inspiration for this one)
Cat/cow (including with my hands facing towards me instead of away
A few plank-to-downward-dog-and-backs
Crescent lunge with goalpost arms
Flying warrior II
Side angle
Peaceful warrior
Triangle
Half moon pose (this is my ultimate fave yoga pose, mostly because my hips usually pop)
(With triangle and half moon I did some half-binds because my shoulders REALLY need it.)
Warrior I
Devotional warrior with yoga strap
Warrior III with strap (I think?)
A few more supine twists
Supta badakonasana (third fave yoga pose, second fave is pigeon and I ordinarily would have thrown that in transitioning to the floor)
Happy baby
SAVASANA
I didn’t intend to write out a yoga sequence here but there you go!
My point of this VERY long post is that, often, if we slow down and really listen to ourselves about what we actually need—not what we feel like we should do—we usually do have the answers. And apparently writing was also the answer today (who am I kidding, it usually is) so thank you for letting me into your inbox/onto your screen.
This week between Christmas and New Year’s is weird, and frankly, I don’t like it? I also deleted IG today because I was feeling envious of people traveling. So if you don’t like this week either, you’re not alone.
Also, between fitness stuff, people’s end-of-year posts and people selling courses promising to make you your Best Self Ever in 2023, it’s so easy to feel less-than right now.
But you are enough, promise.
Xo,
Theodora
(Edited to add after posting: I obviously am a huge proponent of meds, therapy, anything external you need for your healing AND I believe we also can glean what we know/want better than we think we can.)